It’s been some time since The Captain commented on the contents of a news article, but when a Myrmidon first class made an impassioned plea (my words, my embellishment, my unreality) to provide my keen, coy yet bizarre take on a New York Times article about a scientific study that threatened to topple the paradigm of social drinking, I couldn’t refuse. It seems they know about The Captain at the Jewish Home for the Elderly, because that’s where this all started. I quote from an email from the Director of Day Services at the home to said Myrmidon: “The Captain may enjoy this report. Anything to prevent Alzheimer’s Disease.” Naturally, I was flattered, being called upon to do the serious work of finding a cure for a disease I dare not try and spell, a task for which I am underwhelmingly qualified. For posterity, here is the dramatic plea for help from my loyal reader: “The Captain, I think this just supports your cause on drinking. Although I think ‘moderate’ is not in your vocabulary. Anonymous.” Anonymous understands I am not a literary icon without a cause, especially when that cause involves drink. Sidebar: Anonymous is becoming a very popular name, as I am receiving a good many emails from Anonymous’s – I think it’s Greek name…But Anonymous is correct about one thing. The Captain knows not the meaning of “moderation.” I know you all agree that I live far from the moderate norm on the fringe of society, not to mention sanity. So now onto the art of healing, Captain style!
Aging: Moderate Drinking May Help the Brain
By NICHOLAS BAKALAR
People over 60 who consume moderate amounts of alcohol have a reduced risk for Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias, according to a large review of studies. Why wait 'til you're 60? Start moderating today! Conversely, if you are over 60 and have been dry your whole life, screw moderation and go straight to excess before it's too late.
The analysis, which appeared in the July issue of The American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry (I bet if I read this periodical when I was drunk I'd find it funny. I think I just dared myself - do you ever do that?), reviewed 15 studies that together followed more than 28,000 subjects for at least two years. All the studies controlled for age, sex, smoking and other factors. It's a twofer. Studies indicate that having sex regularly is good for your health; since consuming alcohol increases your odds of having sex in proportion to the amount of alcohol consumed, it follows that the more you drink, the healthier you become. The studies variously defined light to moderate drinking as 1 to 28 drinks per week. Let’s extend the far limit of moderate to 28 per diem and call it a day! Compared with abstainers (Alcohol? Sex? Both? Note to conservative religious groups who are keen on abstaining: your religion may be dangerous to your health. So stop abstaining and start partaking!! If I have offended folks with this statement, who cares? They all likely have dementia!), male drinkers reduced their risk for dementia by 45 percent, and women by 27 percent.
The researchers acknowledge that studying the effects of alcohol on dementia is complicated by issues like beverage type, standards of quantity and individual behavior that may interact with alcohol to affect mental acuity. This is not very complicated: the beverage type is your favorite booze, the quantity is a shitload, the behavior is irrelevant short of law-breaking, and, speaking from personal experience, you don't need mental acuity to interact with alcohol, just a large plastic cup. But there is ample evidence from other studies that moderate alcohol consumption can increase HDL, or “good cholesterol,” improve blood flow to the brain and decrease blood coagulation. All three factors may reduce the risk for dementia. You health freaks should start making your instant oatmeal with beer or whiskey.
Still, the authors warn against drawing premature conclusions. “The overall safety of alcohol use in later life,” they write, “needs to be evaluated in relation to all of the available evidence” about its health effects. When I read this I hear, "When alcohol doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger."
NICHOLAS BAKALAR
Believe The Captain when he says: moderation is for virgins.
Yours warding off Dementia with a large plastic cup,
The Captain
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