A Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English, Seventh Edition ©1961

For Christmas, my eldest legitimate presented me with the above tome, a thoughtful and fitting gift for yours truly. It is chockfull of outdated slang. For the record, outdated slang is funny. Some of it so funny in fact, that The Captain would suggest to my myrmidon that we make a concerted effort to reintroduce some to the new millennium. I would humbly ask your assistance in choosing the word or phrase to be used as our first attempt in this deliciously deviant literary experiment.

Given that the lexicon is 1,528 pages of squinty print, this literary experiment could become a serial offering, as opposed to a cereal offering, which would be breakfast. But I have to start somewhere so I will start with the letter “A” because dictionaries like to start there. Conveniently, I have mastered the alphabet up to “A” so I am, as they say, ahead of the game.

Apartments to let: Brainless. I love it – there’s empty space upstairs!!

Anythingarian: A person of no fixed or decided views. Coined by Jonathan Swift ca. 1707 and later used by Kingsley in 1851 to describe modern Neo-Platonism. I’ve seen this. Whenever they want something from me, my teenage children become Anythingarians, adopting and swapping out the most expedient viewpoints as they try to get their paws on my cash.

Apple-dumpling Shop: A woman’s bosom. As you know, The Captain is fond of bosom – the word, that is. But rather than prattle on incessantly repeating “bosom. Bosom, bosom,” I now have a clever yet quaintly provincial synonym to prattle on with.

Apple-monger, Apple-squire: A harlot’s bully. LOL. Wanna confuse a pimp? Go up to him and say something like, “Hey Apple-squire, can I buy some apple dumplings?”

Apples: Testicles; also, breasts. Geez. Which is it? Must be the bi-sexual definition.

Apron-up: Pregnant. The natural state of women. Shit! Here comes my feminist teenage daughter. Time to run for an Apple-dumpling shop!!

Arbor Vitae: Literary term for the tree of life, i.e. the penis. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go to an orchard again without seeing sexual organs everywhere.

‘arf-and’arf: Cockney for ale and porter mixed equally, “half and half.”

Arfarfanarf: Drunk. One who has had too many an ‘arf-and-‘arf. Next time you’re out drinking, go up to a drunk person and shout “You’re arfarfanarf!” People will then know there are two drunks!

I could go on forever, and I probably will at some point, but I need to cut up a fresh lime for my tonic so I leave you with these parting words: Believe The Captain when he shouts “Arfarfanarf!”

Yours with an apartment to let!

The Captain

PS. I encourage you all to bring back the slang – try one of these words out at work, at the bar, or in bedroom, and let me know how it goes!