From the shabby but cozy confines of Dickens’s Publick Houses to the earthy establishments of Tolkien, houses of drink have lured, coddled, cudgeled and fed the souls and bloodstreams of simple folk the world over who search for warmth, fellowship and an opportunity to pun and get (to use a pastoral term) ploughed. The birthplace of The Captain, that wondrous metropolis of Torrington, CT, could in my childhood boast the greatest number of taverns per capita in the state. In a way, my childhood was but a living experiment to test the veracity of this claim. Alas, I never made it past 17 bars on any given evening, but anecdotally, I can share without hesitation that I doubt not the truth of the boast!
My parents taught me to use my gifts, so like a good son I now will share with you my loyal myrmidon, sober and drunk alike, the accrued wisdom of my tender youth spent walking, stumbling and crawling the streets of the good city Torrington. Put another way, here comes The Captain’s Guide to Choosing a Tavern in which to get shit faced!
* Remember when you brazenly told your Geometry teacher that Geometry was useless bullshit? Well, I don’t remember a lot but I do remember that. And I have eaten my words. So in answer to the question: which bar should you go to first? The Captain responds: “Plot a straight line between yourself and the nearest Tavern and follow that line straight to that bar!” OK. I’m not really sure if that’s Geometry or Algebra or Geography or some other stupid subject I never studied, but you get the point (time to go back to Bad Punners Anonymous, I think).
* Visit a location with “local flavor.” Did you know that The Captain grew up across the street from Barella’s Tavern? Here are a just a few examples of local flavor courtesy of the corner of Culvert Street and Washington Avenue.
Stepping out my front door on the way to school, hopping over the passed out parent of school companions lying on my front lawn in a puddle of blood. You don’t want to be downwind of that!
Watching from my playpen, I witnessed a drunk dude who leaves his car idling in front of the bar while he goes in to wet his whistle and it slips into gear and crashes into the front wall of the bar. Mr. Barella was pissed and proceeded to spew profanities in two languages – highly educational! Had he been Geppetto, his hand gestures would have transformed Pinocchio into a puppet pornstar for sure!
Neighborhood waifs (myself included) playing chicken with the cars of drunks as they drove home from their busy day of unemployment.
Before the WWE, there were bar fights. There’s something universally comical about watching a couple of blind drunk losers stumble out the bar and swing and miss and trip their way up the street and through neighbors yards until they inevitably wrestle each other to the ground, never on the soft grass, mind you, but on the rough, glass shard strewn pavement. And all this right outside my bedroom window!
Old obnoxious Arnie was a regular at Barellas. Not only did all of the patrons at Barellas know Arnie by name, but they also were on a first name basis with Arnie’s bookie (Louie – no kidding) and his parole officer (Stan the Man) who would show up from time to time looking for Arnie to discuss divers business and legal matters. Some of my first memories on this earth are of Arnie disturbing my slumber from across the street on sticky summer evenings with one of his patented drunken rants (he had only three: his good-for-nothing wife whose major offense was, as far as we knew, holding down a steady job and supporting the family; nosy cops who always seemed to show up whenever Arnie was committing a petty crime; and Snowball, a pure white neighborhood tabby that Arnie feared more than anything in the world, believing her to be a Hellcat dispensed by Satan to haunt his living days. Imagine, if you will, a tall, burly, bitter Scandinavian brut running like a skittish school girl from a pretty little white kitty. We neighborhood kids would regularly leave a bowl of milk for Snowball just outside the Tavern door.
* If you seek a cheap, over the bar, medicinal remedy to some severely depressing life circumstances, look for a Tavern with the faded Pabst Blue Ribbon decal on the dusty window. I have no idea who would award a Blue Ribbon for this gosh awful cheap brew, but you can bet your precious last six-pack that the dude was a cash-strapped lush. Acceptable alternatives are: establishments that serve Schlitz, Schmidts, Piels or, my personal favorite, the beer with the best ever jingle, Schaefer – the one beer to have when you’re having more than one!!
* If you seek a classy Publick House, you will need to ask directions from someone who’s actually been in one.
* Unless you want to go to jail, NEVER drink in the Tavern your 13 year old sister frequents, as all of her teenybopper Lolita girlfriends will be there as well.
* Avoid Taverns without neon signage; they’re like high priced hookers – they might look nicer on the outside than their less expensive peers but are way overpriced and just as dirty on the inside.
* Tavern Etiquette:
It is impolite to drink beer from a glass, not to mention unsafe.
Sex on the pool table is acceptable, but only if you cover it first (the table, that is).
Smoking is a form of ambience.
Tavern food is to be eaten with your hands. Any silverware you see is there for the benefit of the Health Inspector.
* Taverns are for Men
Don’t let the label fool you…Ladies night is for men. This is, however, one night when women are allowed to drink.
Mens night? Also for men…or so I’ve been told.
Sunday, Monday and Thursday night football? C’mon.
World Figure Skating Championships? Just checking to see if you’re still awake.
Jello Wrestling Tournament? Another event where the female participants are permitted to drink.
Every other night? A man’s home may be his castle, but his Tavern is his “safe place.”
* If you have a death wish, go to a neighborhood dive and order the following:
A wine cooler
A Strawberry Daiquiri
Pinot Grigio (here comes Pinocchio again!)
Brie with mango and apple with a fresh sprig of parsley (if you’re lucky, the barkeep will think you are a legal immigrant speaking a foreign language and just pour you a Schlitz)
A Cosmo
So Believe The Captain when he says: taverns , booze and teenage girls are a dangerous brew!!
Yours singing the Schaefer song,
The Captain
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
A Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English, Seventh Edition ©1961
For Christmas, my eldest legitimate presented me with the above tome, a thoughtful and fitting gift for yours truly. It is chockfull of outdated slang. For the record, outdated slang is funny. Some of it so funny in fact, that The Captain would suggest to my myrmidon that we make a concerted effort to reintroduce some to the new millennium. I would humbly ask your assistance in choosing the word or phrase to be used as our first attempt in this deliciously deviant literary experiment.
Given that the lexicon is 1,528 pages of squinty print, this literary experiment could become a serial offering, as opposed to a cereal offering, which would be breakfast. But I have to start somewhere so I will start with the letter “A” because dictionaries like to start there. Conveniently, I have mastered the alphabet up to “A” so I am, as they say, ahead of the game.
Apartments to let: Brainless. I love it – there’s empty space upstairs!!
Anythingarian: A person of no fixed or decided views. Coined by Jonathan Swift ca. 1707 and later used by Kingsley in 1851 to describe modern Neo-Platonism. I’ve seen this. Whenever they want something from me, my teenage children become Anythingarians, adopting and swapping out the most expedient viewpoints as they try to get their paws on my cash.
Apple-dumpling Shop: A woman’s bosom. As you know, The Captain is fond of bosom – the word, that is. But rather than prattle on incessantly repeating “bosom. Bosom, bosom,” I now have a clever yet quaintly provincial synonym to prattle on with.
Apple-monger, Apple-squire: A harlot’s bully. LOL. Wanna confuse a pimp? Go up to him and say something like, “Hey Apple-squire, can I buy some apple dumplings?”
Apples: Testicles; also, breasts. Geez. Which is it? Must be the bi-sexual definition.
Apron-up: Pregnant. The natural state of women. Shit! Here comes my feminist teenage daughter. Time to run for an Apple-dumpling shop!!
Arbor Vitae: Literary term for the tree of life, i.e. the penis. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go to an orchard again without seeing sexual organs everywhere.
‘arf-and’arf: Cockney for ale and porter mixed equally, “half and half.”
Arfarfanarf: Drunk. One who has had too many an ‘arf-and-‘arf. Next time you’re out drinking, go up to a drunk person and shout “You’re arfarfanarf!” People will then know there are two drunks!
I could go on forever, and I probably will at some point, but I need to cut up a fresh lime for my tonic so I leave you with these parting words: Believe The Captain when he shouts “Arfarfanarf!”
Yours with an apartment to let!
The Captain
PS. I encourage you all to bring back the slang – try one of these words out at work, at the bar, or in bedroom, and let me know how it goes!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Nature versus Nurture: Stories from the Hood
The Captain has made arguments on both sides of the timeless Nature versus Nurture debate. I’ve argued that suspect genes condemn the arbitrary recipient, if lucky, to a life of almost bearable mediocrity at best. The unlucky ones become Claims Adjusters.
Yet, a recent news story from my old neighborhood, the Dickensian streets of West Torrington, made me pause and sway back into the Nurture camp. It seems that Torrington has no need whatsoever for fiction, because the non-fictional reality there is so fantastic, so surreal, so bizarro, that one need only take a walk down the street to witness events unimagined by the likes of Salvador Dali and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. After I read this story, I searched my chemically frayed memory banks for other similarly dramatic examples from the nurturing environment that produced The Captain. No data returned; but not to worry, I simply went to the internet, where I was able to get the information I was seeking because, you see, Torrington, CT, that blue collar cesspool that only has Winsted, CT, to make fun of, has over my lifetime made national news for all the wrong reasons.
But first, the news story that prompted my stroll down memory lane. I normally just copy and paste the story and comment. But I have simply included a link to the story and the incredible string of comments that follow. If you take the time to read everything, you will never again wonder how The Captain was spawned. Just know that I grew up within walking distance of the car dealership. Here is the link Oh My God.
Now for some bullet point summaries of some of Torrington’s most memorable lowlights!
· The Tracy Thurman Story: This is the title of an honest to God real made for TV movie about a girl who was a year behind me in high school. To say that Tracy chose poorly in marriage would be an understatement. Here’s a synopsis I pulled from one of the numerous articles about this on the internet: On June 10th, 1983, Charles “Buck” Thurman assaulted Tracy for the last time. He stabbed her thirteen times in the chest, neck, shoulders, and face – ten minutes AFTER she had called the police. He kicked her in the head with a booted foot, snatched up their two-year-old, told the child, “I’ve killed your rotten mother,” and left her lying in a pool of blood. It took twenty-five minutes for the police to arrive. Astonishingly, Tracy did not die, but the damage was inconceivable. She spent seven months in the hospital. Although the left side of her body was able to function, she had no tactile sensation. The right side of her body was able to feel, but she had lost 80% of her motor skills.
At the time, Tracy lived in a 2 story house apartment that was once on my West Torrington paper route. An apocryphal story that circulated shortly after this happened has the cop, who was just weeks from retirement, taking a leak on the lawn as he listened to Tracy’s screaming pleas for help. Wouldn’t want to get injured on the job so close to retirement! Read more here: Is there a God?
· Remember the TV show “Jackass”? Well, one Torrington boy will likely never forget after mimicking the show by basically allowing his friends to douse his leg with gasoline and light it on fire. Oh what those Torringtonians will do for fun! It was even written up in the NY Times! Here’s an excerpt. In January, a 13-year-old Torrington, Conn., boy suffered second- and third-degree burns after similarly imitating a stunt in which an MTV personality set himself on fire. The boy let a friend douse his pants with gasoline and set him on fire, the police said. The friend was charged with reckless endangerment. MTV moved “Jackass” from the 9 pm timeslot to 10 pm as a result. Now that’s real power! And did I mention that this kid lived in West Torrington??
· On my walk to school down Highland Avenue, my hooligan friends and I would often stop at the Value Mart, a little variety store located on the first floor of a two story house. I knew that there was an apartment on the second floor, but little did I know that years later the future occupants would make national news. In 1999, James and Lynn Luddy, who lived above the still extant Value Mart, were arrested for trading their five month old son for back rent. The baby was handed over to the landlord’s sister – she of the barren womb - who was immediately caught when she drove with the baby straight to a consignment store to purchase a car seat for the tot. She asked the store owners to help her install the seat because she didn’t know how. When they saw the bay squirming loosely around in the back seat of the car, the store owners alerted the police and little James Luddy, Jr., was transported straight to the Torrington Department of Children and Families office (yes, Torrington has its own DCF office)!
So there you have it. There are more stories to tell – perhaps a future post? Remind me to tell you about Barella’s Tavern! But for now, these TRUE stories simply serve as supporting examples of my original point: environment is an extremely formative factor in determining the person who we grow up to be. Unfortunately for me, growing up in West Torrington turned me into The Captain!
Believe The Captain when he says: Winsted sucks!
Yours suckled by the nurturing if tainted milk of mother Torrington!
Yet, a recent news story from my old neighborhood, the Dickensian streets of West Torrington, made me pause and sway back into the Nurture camp. It seems that Torrington has no need whatsoever for fiction, because the non-fictional reality there is so fantastic, so surreal, so bizarro, that one need only take a walk down the street to witness events unimagined by the likes of Salvador Dali and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. After I read this story, I searched my chemically frayed memory banks for other similarly dramatic examples from the nurturing environment that produced The Captain. No data returned; but not to worry, I simply went to the internet, where I was able to get the information I was seeking because, you see, Torrington, CT, that blue collar cesspool that only has Winsted, CT, to make fun of, has over my lifetime made national news for all the wrong reasons.
But first, the news story that prompted my stroll down memory lane. I normally just copy and paste the story and comment. But I have simply included a link to the story and the incredible string of comments that follow. If you take the time to read everything, you will never again wonder how The Captain was spawned. Just know that I grew up within walking distance of the car dealership. Here is the link Oh My God.
Now for some bullet point summaries of some of Torrington’s most memorable lowlights!
· The Tracy Thurman Story: This is the title of an honest to God real made for TV movie about a girl who was a year behind me in high school. To say that Tracy chose poorly in marriage would be an understatement. Here’s a synopsis I pulled from one of the numerous articles about this on the internet: On June 10th, 1983, Charles “Buck” Thurman assaulted Tracy for the last time. He stabbed her thirteen times in the chest, neck, shoulders, and face – ten minutes AFTER she had called the police. He kicked her in the head with a booted foot, snatched up their two-year-old, told the child, “I’ve killed your rotten mother,” and left her lying in a pool of blood. It took twenty-five minutes for the police to arrive. Astonishingly, Tracy did not die, but the damage was inconceivable. She spent seven months in the hospital. Although the left side of her body was able to function, she had no tactile sensation. The right side of her body was able to feel, but she had lost 80% of her motor skills.
At the time, Tracy lived in a 2 story house apartment that was once on my West Torrington paper route. An apocryphal story that circulated shortly after this happened has the cop, who was just weeks from retirement, taking a leak on the lawn as he listened to Tracy’s screaming pleas for help. Wouldn’t want to get injured on the job so close to retirement! Read more here: Is there a God?
· Remember the TV show “Jackass”? Well, one Torrington boy will likely never forget after mimicking the show by basically allowing his friends to douse his leg with gasoline and light it on fire. Oh what those Torringtonians will do for fun! It was even written up in the NY Times! Here’s an excerpt. In January, a 13-year-old Torrington, Conn., boy suffered second- and third-degree burns after similarly imitating a stunt in which an MTV personality set himself on fire. The boy let a friend douse his pants with gasoline and set him on fire, the police said. The friend was charged with reckless endangerment. MTV moved “Jackass” from the 9 pm timeslot to 10 pm as a result. Now that’s real power! And did I mention that this kid lived in West Torrington??
· On my walk to school down Highland Avenue, my hooligan friends and I would often stop at the Value Mart, a little variety store located on the first floor of a two story house. I knew that there was an apartment on the second floor, but little did I know that years later the future occupants would make national news. In 1999, James and Lynn Luddy, who lived above the still extant Value Mart, were arrested for trading their five month old son for back rent. The baby was handed over to the landlord’s sister – she of the barren womb - who was immediately caught when she drove with the baby straight to a consignment store to purchase a car seat for the tot. She asked the store owners to help her install the seat because she didn’t know how. When they saw the bay squirming loosely around in the back seat of the car, the store owners alerted the police and little James Luddy, Jr., was transported straight to the Torrington Department of Children and Families office (yes, Torrington has its own DCF office)!
So there you have it. There are more stories to tell – perhaps a future post? Remind me to tell you about Barella’s Tavern! But for now, these TRUE stories simply serve as supporting examples of my original point: environment is an extremely formative factor in determining the person who we grow up to be. Unfortunately for me, growing up in West Torrington turned me into The Captain!
Believe The Captain when he says: Winsted sucks!
Yours suckled by the nurturing if tainted milk of mother Torrington!
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