No Cussing Week

The Captain Saves America

I know that’s a pretty audacious statement, but what else did you expect from me? But read my commentary in bold below and see if you disagree.

L.A. To Proclaim 'No Cussing Week'
KTLA News
March 1, 2009

LOS ANGELES – If you notice things are a little quieter this week in L.A. County, there's a simple explanation. It's all because it's "No Cussing Week" in Los Angeles. There are 3.8 million people living in LA; let’s assume that the average American cusses 16.7 times a day (this calculation is The Captain’s almost scientific extrapolation from the following “facts”: a survey conducted in England found that Britons swore on average 14 times a day; since America was a colony of England, and since it goes without saying that we are bigger and better than them, and factoring in the prevalence of west coast rappers in the City of Angels – now there’s an oxymoron! – then adjusting for multi-regression variance, whatever that is, we arrive at 16.7; I originally came up with the whole number of 16 by arbitrarily adding a deuce but tacked on the .7 because it sounds more impressive; this may have been my longest parenthetical ever!!!!); so if you multiply that number (16.7) by 3.8 million, that comes to 63,460,000 profanities. Taken a step further, if we conservatively posit 2 words per profanity (F*&k You, A*s Hole, Sh*t Face, etc.), we are now up to nearly 127 million words subtracted from the weekly verbal interaction in sunny Southern California. So even so jaded a skeptic as The Captain is forced to agree that things were indeed a little quieter.

It all started with 15 year old McKay Hatch of South Pasadena who founded the "No Cussing Club" at his school. McKay also founded the “Sobriety Club”, “Abstinence America” and “Mormons 90210”. He hopes his effort to clear the air will catch on and it just might.
On Tuesday, the Los Angeles board of Supervisors is scheduled to issue a proclamation by Supervisor Michael Antonovich making the first week in March "No Cussing Week". Here’s some irony: Did you know that “Antonovich” means “Up Your An*s” in some difficult to pronounce Balkan language?

There are no penalties if you slip, but Antonovich says "it's a good reminder for all of us, not just young people to be respectful of one another and watch the words we use". How can you run an effective program without penalties? I suggest each offender be forced to visit the LA PD Evidence room and consume/ingest/inject/inhale one controlled substance for each cuss. I’m sure LA’s finest will be happy to show them how it’s done.

The county isn't the first entity to try to put the lid on swearing. Hatch's hometown of South Pasadena declared itself a cuss-free zone for a week last March, and two years ago a high school in Canada threatened to suspend repeat cussers. Ah, I knew it. All this insanity started in Canada!

Hatch said he hopes "no cussing" will expland (this typo appeared in the original story) beyond his hometown and across the globe. I find this a bit rich since “I have a last name for a first name” McKay stole the idea from the Canadians, who to this day insist they live in a sovereign nation.

"Next year I want to try to get California to have a cuss-free week. And then, who knows, maybe worldwide," said the 10th grader, who believes if people treat each other with more civility they can better work together to solve bigger problems. If the Governator can manage to legalize marijuana, perhaps a mellower California can take the lead in this misguided effort. And it’s clear that Hatch is no Protestant; if he was, he’d understand that Original Sin has corrupted humanity beyond earthly repair and his efforts are in vain and exceedingly annoying.

Hatch said his campaign began about the time he hit seventh grade and noticed his friends beginning to swear, something his family didn't allow. Note to friends of McKay Hatch: Get that boy drunk and take him to the Bunny Ranch – pronto!

He formed the "No Cussing Club" and invited others to join. Soon the group had a Web site, bright orange T-shirts, a hip hop theme song and inquiries from all over from people interested in joining. He estimates 20,000 people have formed similar clubs. Sad. And there’s no way that’s a real Hip Hop song with no profanity in it.

"It's not about forcing anyone to stop, just to bring awareness," he says of the movement. "If you can do a week without cussing, maybe you can do two weeks. And then maybe a month." The Captain cannot sit idly by and let this happen. In a rare lucid moment, a group of Canadians must have hatched this plot to weaken America and overthrow our government. So I appeal to all you true Americans: Don’t let those f*&kin’ Canadians get away with this sh*t!!! It is your patriotic duty to cuss as early and as often every day for the rest of your lives!

Believe The Captain when he says: “F*&K those Canadian Sh*theads!

Yours a true patriotic A*shole,

The Cavalier Cusser aka The Captain