As you have been reminded by this author on many an occasion, I am an expert on all things – period. Of course, The Captain is being facetious or, as some of you point out with aplomb, full of feces. However, if I was a teenager – any teenager – and made the claim to be omniscient, no parent of said teen would bat an eyelash. It is the teenager’s God given right to know all and be right about everything regardless of factual support.
Two of my three legitimate children have managed to live long enough to reach this precious developmental stage. The odds of them both living out their teen years while under my care are long, but that doesn’t deter either one from gambling their existence on a daily basis. With one of each (meaning male and female), I can offer guidance to my readers on the best way to parent teenagers and stay out of jail. So here comes The Captain’s Guide to Parenting Teens
Teenage Girls
• To make the challenge fun, create a Playbill. Members of the teenage girl’s biological family only get minor roles, however. Her friends get the major parts, while the most degraded characters are played by the parents. In this way, you can officially acknowledge the drama that is the very essence of a teenage girl’s existence. It won’t do anything to diffuse the teen theatrics, but it might help you as a parent keep your sanity.
• Even when you are right and can marshal an army of facts to support your unpopular parental decisions, you will still always be wrong - always; and when you actually are wrong, you will be reminded of this by your daughter – all the time. She once used the word “stupid” 132 times in a single paragraph to describe what she thought of my humble suggestion to wear a winter jacket in subzero temperatures.
• I recommend getting a dog. That way, when you are being subjected to yet another teen lecture on the misguided and utterly stupid rules you randomly apply to your biological inmate, you can simply turn to the dog and say things like, “My, there’s a cold draft in here.” Or “Don’t you need to go outside and pee, or something?” And “Remind me to purchase those sound proof building materials, will you?”
• The only way to ensure that your teenage daughter does not wear too much makeup is to hide it from her. This will drive her nuts. But if you really want to get her goat, then wear her makeup. I know my daughter hates it when I do that. When she found out, she told me just to throw it all away. Mission accomplished!
• Your very existence is “embarrassing.” Given this fact, don’t hesitate to do what The Captain does and get out of the minivan to sing Elton John songs in a falsetto in front of your daughter and all her friends when you pick her up from school. If you must be an embarrassment, you might as well be a good one.
Teenage Boys
• Every bit as frustrating as girls, but much more simple to deal with. You will only ever get two reactions from your teenage son when attempting to parent him. The vast majority of time, you will get a sarcastic laugh or smirk followed by a “Sure, whatever” and no attempt whatsoever to comply with your authority. When they get really good at this, they are even capable of subtlety, making their response seem almost sincere. On rare occasions, you will get an explosion of testosterone accompanied by ranting and raving and chest thumping and cussing and door slamming punctuated by no attempt whatsoever to comply with your authority.
• Given what we know about teenage boys, you as a parent need only learn a handful of responses, such as:
o “Make your own meal.”
o “Don’t you need me to drive you on your date?”
o “You can buy your own car.” Unless your son is one of those mathematical savants who pulls in six figures playing on-line poker and can pay cash for a BMW, this will usually get his attention – at least on the nights he has a date.
o “If you don’t clean your room, I’ll tell your girlfriend what you do in the bathroom.” Setting aside all discussion of its legality, extortion is an effective motivator.
o “How come you can’t be more like your sister?” This only works because he’s so busy communicating electronically with his friends, he has no idea we don’t actually wish for this.
Believe The Captain when he says: I am sooooooooooooooooo stupid!!!!!!!!!!
Yours hiding the makeup and the car keys,
The Captain
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