It’s that time of year again! Summer – when the paucity of Fire Safety and women’s clothing make The Captain smile. This year I’m going to try something different; The Captain will combine his annual Summer Fire Safety and Corporate Dress Code missives into one intricately woven article of inappropriate fictional clothing, a literary thong, if you will.
I’ll admit, like most of you I suspect, I find the Summer Dress Code rules to be inconsistent and vague. Really, isn’t it all just a matter of perspective? Give me Fire Safety rules any time of the year. How do I know if I have started a fire I shouldn’t have? Two simple clues:
1. I’m on fire
2. The Fire Department shows up
All other fire play is deemed by yours truly to be “recreational.”
The commentary that follows may not be particularly enlightening or bring any clarity to the fuzzy dress code guidelines, but it will follow nonetheless, because I decide what to write.
Simple Fire Safety Rule # 1: Never play with matches when mixing your homemade accelerants.
Vague Dress Code Rule Open to Interpretation # 1: Don’t wear revealing clothing. What exactly can or can’t be revealed? Is cleavage offensive? If so, which kind? The cleft created by two firm but ample female breasts squeezing close to one another? Or the one between the layers of fat squished together on the back of the overweight bald guy’s neck? What about open toe footwear? I really don’t want to see peoples’ toes, let alone what’s in between them.
Simple Fire Safety Rule # 2: Flame Throwers are not weed killers.
Vague Dress Code Rule Open to Interpretation # 2: Don’t wear offensive clothing. I think the answers to all my questions on this topic should be prefaced by the word “Depends.” Let’s try it with the following questions.
· Q - Is a micro mini skirt offensive? A – Depends on who’s wearing it.
· Q – Are tattoos OK? A - Depends on:
o Location. Is it located on the ass of a middle aged middle manager or on the backside of an intern?
o What is illustrated. For men, images of anchors and barbed wire are OK; images of Liberace? Not so much. For women, images of The Captain are not only OK but encouraged; pretty much everything else is fine so long as it’s in the right location.
o What is written. Watch out for profanity and Satanic verses and trying to be clever when you are not (remember, your kids and your divorce judge may see your tats some day); otherwise, pretty much everything goes. Just be sure to proofread for typos as whiteout washes away.
· Q – Will getting a tattoo make me cool? A - Depends on whether you are cool to begin with; if not, people will know you got yours when you were passed out.
· Q – If I get a tattoo with the word “Mother” written over a Valentine’s heart, will my Mom really love me? A - Depends on whether Mom takes her meds; but honestly, NO. Mom will still be a cold, detached, meth addicted Ho who will sooner trade you for drugs than give you a hug. You should find yourself a Ho, just not Ma, because that could create emotional confusion.
Dress Code Non Sequitur
Capri Pants: I’m convinced the inventor of these is a twisted genius whose motivation was to wreak havoc on corporate dress codes; that, and an urgent order for pants combined with a fabric shortage. I defy any of you to put Capris into a clothing category. Are they long shorts or flood pants? How does the length compare with Hip Hop shorts, which can reach the ankles? Should men be allowed to wear these to work? If not, is that discriminatory? Racism? Sexism? Fashionistaism? I don’t have the answer, just a particular preference for Daisy Dukes for the Summer Interns
Vague Dress Code Rule Open to Interpretation # 3: Don’t wear “distracting” clothing. The only comment I have is this: one man’s distraction is another man’s motivation.
Simple Fire Safety Rule # 3: “Stop, drop & roll” refers neither to a freestyle wrestling move nor a drinking game but to a deadly serious fire safety maneuver to employ in the event you begin to combust, perhaps after trying to do flaming shots by forgoing the shot glass and pouring Bacardi 151 directly into your mouth and lighting it on fire.
Exceptions
There are exceptions to every rule, and in the case of Summer Interns, the rules are meant to be broken. Below is my attempt to improve corporate morale and break down the old corporate stereotypes about large financial institutions; when it comes to Summer Interns, we need to be less “buttoned down” and more “unbuttoned.”
BONUS Guide to Spotting and Handling Summer Interns
Females:
· Look for short hemlines, rosy cheeks (including the ones on the face), colorful but impractical open-toed shoes, and open cleavage. That’s a Summer Intern!
· There are three types of female interns:
1. Attractive ones who are given the important job of showing up, along with occasional faux work tasks. This type is easily identified by their multiple corporate dress code violations; they are also routinely surrounded by fawning suits with white hair and paunches.
2. Plain ones who are given meaningful and menial work because they need to pad their resumes and pay their tuition.
3. Attractive ones whose Daddies are company executives; these are tricky to identify; though they still get extra attention from Dad’s gray beard golf buddies, there are some that can also be seen performing actual work; this all depends on Daddy’s expectations. If you see an attractive female intern working hard at her desk, approach with caution and measure your words; what you say to her could get back to your boss or, worse, your spouse or girlfriend.
Males:
· Look for fruity colored dress shirts, Ties with images of cartoon characters, ill-fitting pants, a brief case, and bed head. That’s a male Summer Intern.
· A female colleague of mine was recently lamenting the dearth of attractive young meat, er…male interns; beyond the obvious signs listed above, I really have little in the way of advice to give on this group as all of my time is consumed trying to spot and handle female interns.
Simple Fire Safety Rule # 4: I am recycling this from a very old Summer Fire Safety bulletin that a few of you might remember. It’s one of my favorites. Never use your hand as a launching pad for bottle rockets!
Epilogue
There’s a famous “homespun” radio personality from the upper Midwest by the name of Garrison Keillor. He’s famous for his stories about the fictional town of Lake Wobegone, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average. It’s the kind of idyllic world that makes you want to vomit. But like Mr. Keillor, The Captain tells stories about fantastic places; in my fantasy world, the women are all summer interns, the men all manage teams of summer interns, and the children are all able to fend for themselves socially, emotionally and financially within minutes of being born!
Believe The Captain when he says: Shot glasses are practical!
Yours wearing a T Shirt that says “Bloggers Do It Every Day.”
The Captain
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