Vegans and Voltaire

Late Spring – the time to fire up the grill for a new season of charbroiled cuisine. Used to be that burgers and dogs and chicken were the standard fare. If you wanted to get fancy, then you went with ribs. Other than that, there was no use for a charcoal grill. Then came gas grills and, worse yet, average Joes who suddenly wanted something “better,” something gourmet. But even this was OK with The Captain so long as it was some kind of meat; heck, I kinda like the chicken on the beer can thing. But things have gotten way out of control. In these tragic times, people actually grill things like vegetables. But the epitome of this fire-stoked folly is something called a “Veggie Burger.” It’s even worse than the mystery meat they served us for lunch in high school, for it is purportedly healthy.

I was attending my first Barbeque party of the season last weekend when the host walked past with a plate of dry brown disks I mistook for doggy chew toys. Turns out they were Veggie Burgers. I can only surmise that these “soy-based” products were the brain child of some California politician whose ill-conceived government subsidized farming program was meant as a seedy ploy to grow the weedy economy choking the state to death. I am told that these pucks are made from soybeans, which seem to lack categorization.

I learned that these burgers were for a cute little red headed vegetarian girl (would Charlie Brown approve I wondered?). With her parents present, I questioned the child about why she was a vegetarian.

Me: Why the heck would you want to be a vegetarian and eat that sh…er, garbage?

Child: I don’t think that people should get their food by killing innocent animals.

Me: First, people don’t usually kill the animals; machines are used for that. Second, who says animals are innocent? That damned Chihuahua who bit open my ankle and then peed directly on the wound, was he so innocent I ask??



Child: But people run the machines that kill the animals.

Me: (Thinking to myself “Clever child.”) Ah, you’re a clever child.

Child: You’re mean.

Me: The world is hard and cruel Polyanna, better get used to it.

Parents of the child: Next question.

Me: So, are you a garden variety vegetarian or one of those kooky vegans?

Child: I eat cheese, so I am not a vegan.

Me: (Confused – was this girl a debating genius trying to throw me off my game by throwing in a red herring?) OK, I’ll bite. What does that have to do with anything?

Child: Cheese is made from milk, which is taken from a cow without its permission. Vegans won’t eat any food made from animal products taken without permission.

Me: That’s convenient, unless you’re Dr. Doolittle, it’s kinda hard to ask, eh?

Child: It’s implied.

Me: You’re not even supposed to know what that means! But really, taking milk from a cow is doing it a favor. Bessie gets engorged and her udders get painful; by milking her, we release the pressure and eliminate the pain.

Child: (Blank expression)

Me: OK. I can sort of understand the permission angle, but that lettuce leaf you just draped over your hockey puck burger, did you ask its permission to sever it from its roots and gnaw it to death??

Child: It doesn’t have a brain, so it has no soul like a cow does.

Me: The greatest metaphysicians spawned by the highest human civilizations have failed time and again to prove the existence of a human soul, let alone the soul of a large, smelly, dumb bovine (and I don’t mean my Uncle Harry), so to posit a demarcation between animal and plants with regard to “spirit” is spurious at best. Plants are living beings and, during a drunken state, I could in a single evening invent a dozen semi-viable proofs for the existence of a soul for green leafy things. So forgive me if I don’t gingerly approach my vegetable garden and mutter something like, “Beggin’ your pardon Mr. Arugula, but would it be askin’ too much to slice you clean off your roots so I can chew you into tiny bits to be swallowed and dissolved by my stomach acids?”

Child: Mommy?

Mother of Child: (Glaring at me like a cow with swollen udders) C’mon sweetie, let’s go and get you some dessert. I saw some yummy fudge brownies.

Me: (Shouting) Oh yeah, don’t forget to ask the brownies if they got permission to pick the cocoa beans used to make the chocolate flavoring!!!

In spite of what my lawyers tell me, I still think I’d make an effective law enforcement interrogator, at least in some undisclosed location in the Middle East.

In conclusion, if any of you wondered why I alluded to Voltaire in the title, it’s because he was the only philosopher whose name began with “V.” You know how much The Captain loves Alliteration or, more precisely, Consonance. Though to my knowledge he never argued pro or con for the existence of the soul, he appears in the same philosophy anthologies as some who did, so that’s a pretty solid connection, no?

So believe The Captain when he says: Cows, unlike Chia Garcias, do NOT have souls.

Yours eating steak,

The Captain

Female Audience Rebuttal to Boys and Girls are Different...Really

If you want to raise a ruckus, simply declare in public, or in a blog on the internet (cyber public, I guess), that it is preferable to have been born a certain gender (coincidentally your own gender). That ought to do it…it did for The Captain with his last posting in cyber public (I have now officially coined this new phrase!) In fact, I received a vehement and, even better, funny rebuttal to this post from a Myrmidon with the cyberpseudonym (I just can’t control myself) of BriggChick, apparently an allusion to military prison and her rather easily offended gender. But prison chicks are cool (so I’ve heard), so I have decided to post the rebuttal…along with a few innocuous comments.

AHHH
Nothing in the article about intelligence my friend….Is there ever any intelligence in my articles??

I wonder if you left that out on purpose?!?!?!?!? No need to mention it. It would be akin to saying birds are better at flying than pigs.

J You mean, as in smoke one?

PS- girls rule and you know it!

Without girlie emotions… boys would apparently have nothing to “hunt down and destroy” forcing them to destroy each other…. (Hey there’s a thought…) Yes, boys absolutely love to destroy each other – it’s called male bonding. A bone can be set with a cool cast; a gash can be stitched and leave a cool scar; a broken nose will leave cool, permanent blood stains everywhere. Feelings are slippery, invisible, and can make you cry, something a guy just can’t allow to survive.
Considering boy’s desire to “hunt down and destroy” emotions of a MULTITUDE of girls… often at the same time…More proof that guys are better at math than girls; this is simple, dispassionate statistics. The greater the number of girls in the sampling increases the odds of the man finding a womb enabled (to steal a clever phrase from my co-author) partner who will not expect her man to have feelings. This is, I believe, what is known as Social Darwinism. I know many boys have COOTIES too… And you “know” this how?? dangerous cooties to boot… that when contracted... may stay with us dress wearing, womb enabled, ponytail sporting females for LIFE… (My sister is a gynecologist in the city of Buffalo Please send her my condolences. - BELIEVE ME when I say there are VERY dangerous Cooties out there, and folks of both sexes don’t do much about cooties now a days despite the availability of many methods to thwart them…) Awesome use of the word “thwart!” Wear Trojanz. Thwart Cooties.
Clearly- boys prefer getting lost or trespassing to getting to where you need to go on time… or without aggravation … Going anywhere with a woman pretty much guarantees aggravation. without girls to BLAME for the need for asking directions… Read your Bible; why did God wait until Adam was passed out before stealing a rib and making Eve? Because he knew Adam would never go for it, that’s why. But Adam, being puny and mortal, couldn’t very well blame that all powerful divine practical jokester God, could he? So he did the next best thing and blamed the woman! So there is a well established biblical precedent for blaming women. I am fairly certain that the human race would NEVER get anywhere without CHICKS.

Yours truly (and as always in jest), already at the desired destination Go right into that Jack and Jill Bridal Shower – please don’t wait for me as I will be busy getting lost., waiting on your trespassing, broken by a girl (probably emotionally and in the foot race) in the past, self,

BriggChick

Believe The Captain When He Says: Thanks for keeping me dishonest, BriggChick!

Yours in masculine tardiness,

The Captain

Boys and Girls are Different...Really

The Captain is all for equality of the sexes. I have a fourteen year old daughter who is an ardent feminist with a laser death stare which would make even a forty-something-living-at home-with-Mom Trekkie jealous. To my knowledge, she’s the only human being capable of instantaneously silencing The Captain, so formidable is her glare.

We’ve heard all the old, tired arguments – boys are better than girls, boys are smarter than girls, boys are stronger than girls, boys are handsomer than girls, boys are better at math than girls, boys are better at sports than girls, boys are…ARGG…OUCH!!!...and as my daughter just proved by delivering a deft blow with her 40 lb. purse, girls are meaner than b….F*$#!!!!!!!!!!. I swear that little nerd from school who told her to fetch his soda for him ended up stuffed in that purse – what was left of him, anyway.

Yet, the truth is immutable. Plus, it can’t be changed…and no matter how many times I am battered senseless with an accessory, I must reach the same conclusion: boys and girls are different.

In order to save readers the considerable trouble of identifying and cataloguing the defining differences, The Captain has distilled them into the handful of bullet points below.

Warning: this is edgy, even for me. Please understand no offense is intended to any individual or group with a protected status. In real life, The Captain is a bleeding heart liberal who writes because, with three kids, he can’t afford therapy. So I apologize in advance for me.

Differences Between Boys and Girls

· Gender: Boys are male and girls are female. Exceptions: Some girls are masculine and some boys are feminine.

· Sexual Organs: Boys have a penis and a scrotum while girls have a vagina and a womb (those who thought I was going to say that when girls grow up they develop breasts and boys do not have made the mistake of overlooking the effects of obesity on contemporary males); Exceptions: shemales may have a combination of male and female organs, including fertile wombs, so they just confuse the heck out of me.

· Emotional wiring: Girls are wired to experience and display emotions; boys are wired to hunt down and destroy emotions. Exceptions: Gay boys.

· Girls have cooties; boys overcompensate. Exceptions: none.

· Girls look cute in pigtails; boys? Well…girls look cute in pigtails. Exceptions: my cousin Terry wore pigtails and was way too cute for his own good (just ask the guys in cell block three!).

· Boys break furniture; girls break boys. Exceptions: shemales – will damage both property and psyches.

· Boys can grow up to be priests; girls can grow up to be lesbians. Exceptions: Lutherans.

· Girls ask for directions; boys trespass. Exceptions: pretty boys who let the girls drive them around in shiny red wagons (the original GPS system – Girls Playing Satan).

· Girls like to put on pretty dresses; boys like to take them off (if you read this as a double entendre, then by all means I meant for that to happen!).

So believe The Captain when he says: Boys Rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yours still smarting from losing to Denise Bodner in the 50 yard dash in 6th grade,

The Captain