The Captain's Gratuitous Swine Flu Bulletin

Thanks to concerned, conscientious Myrmidon Tim Costello for bringing to my attention the outbreak of something called Swine Flu (and for the frightening image below). Given my history of producing Fire Safety bulletins, he suggested I pen an epidemiological warning about what seems to be, if you watch television, the end of the world. I don’t really know much about that, or anything else for that matter, but I am no intellectual snob who insists that knowledge about a particular subject is either helpful or necessary when opining. In fact, I find it a hell of a lot easier to bloviate from a position of ignorance – less work.

“Facts” from The Captain

· You don’t catch Swine Flu through “intimate” contact with living pork; that being said, doing what this babe below is doing can lead to life-ruining taunts, bizarre sexual hang ups, and expensive yet fruitless therapy (If you scrolled down to the photo expecting to see a picture of a gorgeous woman then 1 - you’re a guy and 2 - the word “babe” has more than one meaning).

· You won’t “get” swine flu by touching doorknobs, though you may “get off” if you are of a certain gender and touch them at just the right angle.

· Perspective people, perspective. The fatality rate of this strain of Swine Flu is roughly the same as the annual fatality rate of people who die after stepping into empty elevator shafts or after getting their scarves stuck between closed elevator doors. This is actually and really true.

· More perspective. How many of you know people who use public restrooms to purge their insides who never wash their hands!! Where’s the CDC bulletin on this?!!

· As of this writing, there were 257 confirmed cases of Swine Flu in the whole world; that’s 257 out of 6,706,993,152 (I tried to calculate a % on my little computer calculator and it wouldn’t even work because it’s so insignificant). The Captain has a better chance of dating Miss America than contracting Swine Flu (if I end up getting Swine Flu I’m calling Miss America, or at the very least, Miss California, who I will win over with my staunch opposition to human/pig marriages).
When visiting the local petting zoo, remember to have your kids rinse their mouths with hydrogen peroxide if they accidently happen to slip Wilbur the tongue. Also, just in case you’re not sure, I can confirm from personal experience that tossing your child into the bear pit for ha has may seem like good, earthy fun to you, but the gesture is not likely to be perceived as particularly funny by the tossee. Can you say “Ursine Bitch”? (Special recognition to readers who know the identity of Wilbur.*)

Shortly, after this photograph was taken, the kisser contracted mononucleosis. The cute little human, fortunately, is just fine.

Believe The Captain when he says: “Kissing a pig is safer than riding an elevator!”

Yours shopping for hydrogen peroxide,

The Captain

* Wilbur is the prize winning pig from Charlotte’s Web.