Boys and Girls are Different...Really

The Captain is all for equality of the sexes. I have a fourteen year old daughter who is an ardent feminist with a laser death stare which would make even a forty-something-living-at home-with-Mom Trekkie jealous. To my knowledge, she’s the only human being capable of instantaneously silencing The Captain, so formidable is her glare.

We’ve heard all the old, tired arguments – boys are better than girls, boys are smarter than girls, boys are stronger than girls, boys are handsomer than girls, boys are better at math than girls, boys are better at sports than girls, boys are…ARGG…OUCH!!!...and as my daughter just proved by delivering a deft blow with her 40 lb. purse, girls are meaner than b….F*$#!!!!!!!!!!. I swear that little nerd from school who told her to fetch his soda for him ended up stuffed in that purse – what was left of him, anyway.

Yet, the truth is immutable. Plus, it can’t be changed…and no matter how many times I am battered senseless with an accessory, I must reach the same conclusion: boys and girls are different.

In order to save readers the considerable trouble of identifying and cataloguing the defining differences, The Captain has distilled them into the handful of bullet points below.

Warning: this is edgy, even for me. Please understand no offense is intended to any individual or group with a protected status. In real life, The Captain is a bleeding heart liberal who writes because, with three kids, he can’t afford therapy. So I apologize in advance for me.

Differences Between Boys and Girls

· Gender: Boys are male and girls are female. Exceptions: Some girls are masculine and some boys are feminine.

· Sexual Organs: Boys have a penis and a scrotum while girls have a vagina and a womb (those who thought I was going to say that when girls grow up they develop breasts and boys do not have made the mistake of overlooking the effects of obesity on contemporary males); Exceptions: shemales may have a combination of male and female organs, including fertile wombs, so they just confuse the heck out of me.

· Emotional wiring: Girls are wired to experience and display emotions; boys are wired to hunt down and destroy emotions. Exceptions: Gay boys.

· Girls have cooties; boys overcompensate. Exceptions: none.

· Girls look cute in pigtails; boys? Well…girls look cute in pigtails. Exceptions: my cousin Terry wore pigtails and was way too cute for his own good (just ask the guys in cell block three!).

· Boys break furniture; girls break boys. Exceptions: shemales – will damage both property and psyches.

· Boys can grow up to be priests; girls can grow up to be lesbians. Exceptions: Lutherans.

· Girls ask for directions; boys trespass. Exceptions: pretty boys who let the girls drive them around in shiny red wagons (the original GPS system – Girls Playing Satan).

· Girls like to put on pretty dresses; boys like to take them off (if you read this as a double entendre, then by all means I meant for that to happen!).

So believe The Captain when he says: Boys Rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yours still smarting from losing to Denise Bodner in the 50 yard dash in 6th grade,

The Captain