Why, you ask, such an unconventional publication, as opposed to the more traditional offerings of Playboy or Penthouse? Two reasons. First, it’s free. Think about it. Who’d pay for Sky Mall?? Second, the sex theme is old and tired, with the ancient Romans perfecting heterosexual licentiousness and the Greeks bringing up the rear for the homo-erotic piece (pun intended). OK, there is a third reason. It’s a perfect microcosm of the world’s very first Consumer-based Civilization. Our true nature is revealed in the crap that we buy and sell and Sky Mall has a little bit of everything and then some.
So if I was a 25th century archaeologist digging through the ruins of the Consumer Civilization and uncovered The Captain’s Time Capsule and read through Sky Mall, what might I conclude about my ancestors?? Well, I spent an inordinate amount of time actually reading Sky Mall recently (just like I used to actually read the insightful and informative articles in Playboy), so I can answer that question – this is my blog, after all.
• Human beings systematically treated pets better than they treated each other.
o Luxury Pet Residence (OK, it’s really just a metal cage with a pillow floor and some mahogany trim slapped on it); half of the world’s human children go to bed cold and hungry, but for $400 Fido can crash in style in his luxury dog condo, munching on bacon flavored doggy treats – bacon flavored!!!. Add the Orthopedic Comfy Couch for only $170.
o It was once customary to take one’s dog outside of the human dwelling to do his duty in the woods or in the corner of the neighbor’s yard, but sometime in the 21st century it became fashionable to buy artificial pooping turf to keep inside the house for Lassie to shit upon. Yes, I’m talking about the Indoor Dog Restroom. Below is the add, word for word; not because I’m being lazy, but because it’s just so damned funny it needs no commentary or embellishment.
Indoor Dog Restroom
This mat-and-tray system gives dogs a place to relieve themselves when they can't get outside for respite. Ideal for high rise-dwelling dogs, when owners aren't home, or even just for times of harsh weather, this ingenious system uses a mat made of antimicrobial, porous artificial turf that gives off an organic scent to attract dogs, so they can be taught quickly that it is an acceptable spot for relieving themselves.
The mat sits on top of a plastic insert which allows liquid to drain into the included tray for easy clean-up. The turf yarn is a unique construction specially designed for use with dogs, and its antimicrobial composition helps prevent odors. The tray is easy to empty and can hold up to two gallons of liquid. 2" H x 30" W x 20" L. (6-1/2 lbs.)
o There are two possible conclusions to be drawn from this historical development: one is that humans had evolved to the point where a highly developed sense of smell was no longer needed for survival; another is that humans had long before reached their intellectual peak and their brains had already turned to mush.
• Human beings got off on sports as opposed to each other.
o Whereas there was a gadget or useless decorative item for every sports team imaginable (they were selling decrepit seats from an old, torn down church called Cathedral Yankee Stadium), there were no posters or videos of attractive naked humans for sale. Back in the day, masturbation was inspired by Miss January, or Mister February; now, kids do it to life sized posters of their favorite ne’er grew up sports hero. I liked our way better. Still do.
o Giant NFL Inflatable Bubba. It’s real. Professional football and prison sex coming to a bedroom or hidden basement chamber near you. The beginning of the end for Consumer Civilization (once again, pun intended).
• Finally, perhaps humans of my time gave up the ghost of sanity, blurring – nay, detonating – the line between survival and socialization.
o My favorite example of this is Wrenchware Flatware – tools that double as flatware, or vice versa, made from drop forged stainless steel. Get a three piece setting for only $27!
So believe The Captain when he asks: Does a bear shit in the woods? And answers: Yes! On the gold encrusted Woodland Bear Throne available exclusively through Sky Mall!
Yours pouring kitty litter on my Yankee Stadium Cathedral seat,
The Captain
The Indoor Dog Restroom aka the end of Consumer Civilization as we know it.
